“When we TRUST the world around us, we align ourselves with the natural order. We experience abundance (I’m not talking about money). But when we WORRY, we hold on, and become tense, blocking that natural flow of abundance. Let go. Don’t worry. You have always had everything you needed, and always will. Trust, and be truly joyful.” – Ben Ralston

The reason this hit home with me lately is because I am constantly thinking these days and really not able to just let things be. I am working on trying to make something happen for myself and in the mean time I am trying to make sure I have covered all the bases, thought of all the angles and basically just have done everything possible so I won’t look back and regret any certain move I didn’t make. (just reading that is exhausting isn’t it? Now you know how I feel).

For about the past 3 weeks I haven’t really been sleeping well, you know that deep deep sleep where you feel so refreshed the next morning, just yawn and stretch and think “damn that felt great!”. No, my sleep these days has been interrupted by me waking up in the middle of the night with my brain spinning and let me tell you this is not normal for me. I am a sleeper and usually a great one at that.

In the quote above I absolutely can feel the “becoming tense” part as the knots in my back and shoulders just don’t want to ease up. But the strange thing about this is that I am happy. I may not wake up rested in the morning but I wake up happy and I know I am working towards something real, good and tangible. Maybe this is because I wake up and I feel in control and challenged and for me this is great. I have always struggled with living in the moment but these past couple weeks I have been able to do just that. I am not just daydreaming about my next trip or adventure to escape my present. No, I am enjoying my present and the current joys and challenges it brings me.

I have always been quite a proactive soul and when I want something I really fight for it. That is what I am experiencing now. I believe things happen for a reason but I also believe we have a hand in creating our own destinies. That if we want something we should give it our all, fight for it and however the chips may fall I must realize is not totally in my control but at least I know I tried my damnedest.

But you know what? Those moments where I have been able to relinquish control and be patient and let things take their course have brought me such a deep sense of peace. Just knowing that some things are out of my control and I have to trust in others to do right by me and take care of things when they say they are going to allows me to take a deep breath and just let all that stress out of my back with the reassuring thought that in the end “what will be will be”.

I am not sure if I will ever be able to “completely let go” but I should learn from this quote and the reassuring feeling the world around me gives me when I do manage to just “breathe”.

I love having fresh flowers in my house but haven’t had any in a while so I thought it was about time so I picked up these beauties. The most gorgeous huge pink bulbed roses (each one is about the size of a grapefruit)…that are really gorgeous.

Of course I think there are many things that make my life special with one of the main reasons being my amazing family but that is a given so I want to talk about something else and one of the main aspects of my life that helps define happiness and contentment to me:  a strong social circle, meaning really having a group of people in my life that I feel I belong with that live in the same city as me.

I think my strong desire for this comes from the fact that I have lived in 5 different cities (and a couple of countries) in the past 4 years….Chicago, Italy, Florida, NYC and Amsterdam. For a couple of years there I had no desire to settle down and I couldn’t commit to a place for more than 3-6 months. It was a stage of my life and one that I am grateful for. In these past four years I have been a pharmaceutical sales rep, English teach to Italian children, a waitress and for the past 2 years I have been working in account management in the Fashion Retail industry. This was my path, I knew I was reaching and striving for something bigger than what I knew and I also had come to realize I am a late bloomer to an extent and that I find my way just a bit after everyone else.

I used to not be able to comprehend how I had some childhood friends who never left the town they grew up in. How can this be?! Didn’t they have to desire to travel the world? Experience something bigger than what they knew? To be challenged in ways they never imagined by the different people and cultures they would meet along the way? To seek a career which in turn would give them independence…both personally and financially and the ability to be free? Maybe some did but just didn’t know the way to make this happen but what I think it is more than that is they loved the comfort of the familiarity and being surrounded by their loved ones. I sometimes envy these people.

After living in multiple countries and having to make new friends in each new city I realize what an absolute treasure it is to be able to live near the people who mean the world to you…friends and family. I am talking about people you absolutely love spending time with for example I am talking about my best girlfriends (you know who you are). Friends that have been there with me through it all and I have my best memories with. But with my desire to see the world and continue to experience the unknown sometimes comes the loneliness of missing the dearest friends in your life who for me are scattered throughout NOLA, MEMPHIS, NYC, MILWAUKEE and so forth.

So over the past couple months when I have been thinking about if I want to stay in AMS or move back to NYC I have given a lot of thought to what I want in my life and then asking myself if I currently have that in my life? I know I have great girlfriends in NYC but do I also have great friends in AMS? Friends that care about me? Friends that I can just sit down at a table with and gossip, tell my deep thoughts or just have a laugh with? Friends that will support me, be there for me? Have fun with me? Travel with me? Call me up for drinks and dinners? Friends that I can also be all these things to in return? And you know what my answer was after I thought about it? Absolutely. I have people

Once I allowed myself to realize this it was like the cloud moved away from above me. I was able to be jolly again and just basically realized how sometimes the simplicities of life are what make life the best. (My sister has been telling me this for years and she is right)

I have another trip planned that I am really looking forward to in mid-February. I will be heading to Madrid for the weekend to celebrate my 30th birthday with friends.

When I was home over Christmas I really thought a lot about how I wanted to spend this special milestone in my life. I decided the best way to spend my birthday would be to be surrounded by my loved ones aka friends from AMS but I also knew I wanted to experience a new city for the first time for my 30th. I have been wanting to go to Madrid ever since I watched an episode of Anthony Bourdain No Reservations in Madrid and saw how the city has such an amazing food culture. Also I have 2 good friends in Amsterdam from Madrid and whenever they talk about their home city I just know I have to go.

My idea of the perfect birthday weekend is for hours on end to eat amazing tapas, drink delicious wine, be surrounded by Spanish guitar music and dance the night away…that is all I want. No worries, no troubles, no stress, just laughing, dancing and friends. Also I must admit that Vicki, Cristina Barcelona is one of my FAVORITE movies and although we are not going to BCN it is the Spanish theme that is central in my mind.

Today I was thinking back to other special birthdays that we experience in our lives and I think really the only one that counts before your 30th is your 21st birthday. I was thinking about where I was on my 21st birthday and my mind quickly brought me back to Australia. We arrived in Sydney for our semester abroad a week before my 21st birthday. I went there with 2 of my closest friends and we succeeded in having the time of our lives during those 6 months. I think every night was a party for us and we did it up so right…to date those were the best months of my life.

It is amazing for me to think where I was 9 years ago at this time and where my life has brought me. I knew I never wanted to live an average run of the mill life and I can happily admit I live a life that is anything but that.

I am right where I want to be at this moment and I must admit that after a difficult year that being able to say that with a clear mind and conscience is quite a peaceful and yet empowering feeling.

But I also think NYE plans are overrated and for me the best way to celebrate would be on a beach somewhere in an exotic local but the 2nd best option would be an amazing dinner full of great wine and even better laughs.

After taking a nap and deciding it would be SO lame of me to just stay in as 2011 was a difficult year for me and I was ready to move on and ring in the hopes and dreams of a better 2012 I got dressed up and headed out for a night on the town still not knowing where it would lead.

But where it did lead was just perfect and exactly the type of night I wanted. I ended up meeting up with a new friend, Ellen, and her boyfriend and their 3 American friends that were in town. I was not in the mood for any language barriers or beginner conversations like “why do you live here, do you speak dutch” but just some good old fashion fun and this is exactly what I got. I felt like I was hanging out with friends from college, just an old familiar comfort. We drank and danced the night away and I had a blast.

Before I knew it, it was 4:30am and time for me to head home with a feeling that 2012 is really going to be a great year..a year of newness and beginnings.

There is something that is so calming and peaceful about being with family, or at least with my family there is. We have a small family but we are a tight knit group and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. Some of my best travel experiences have been with my family.

And with the new addition of August to our family only 2 years ago means that family time is even better as it revolves around the little guy which we all love so so much. It is kind of sickening how we all just watch his every little move..he is a such a ham and always keeps us laughing and smiling.I can’t imagine life before him nor do I want to.

So needless to say my most precious moments were the moments like these….

Any time August would run up to me to give me a hug or kiss it just completely made my day. He is such a sweet little boy and I must say I am so proud of my sister for many reasons but especially for what a wonderful mother she is. She and Scott have done such a beautiful job with this little guy. I know when I have children she will be such a source of knowledge and inspiration for me.

Of course it was so hard to say goodbye to them and come back to Amsterdam and to be honest I did not let myself think about it…at all or else I am not sure I would have been able to say goodbye. And I must admit those first 3-4 days back were pretty grueling. It was nonstop darkness and rain in AMS and all I could think about was the wonderful week I just had and the comforts of home.

But it is getting better and the homesickness is subsiding as I have some wonderful friends here and some exciting things to look forward to in the near future.

And actually I am excited about it, I think 30 sounds like a good age. The good mix between still being young but a little more experienced, a little “wiser” if you will, well at least wiser than when I was 20, you’re at an age where you are making a little more money..not quite scraping by as you do in your 20′s. Plus I have friends that say so far their 30′s have been their best years. So bring it on, I embrace you.

I have decided that in celebration of becoming older and wiser I am going to plan a trip to SE Asia for this coming year.  I have always wanted to go there and given the fact that you have 25+ vacations days while you live in work in The Netherlands I think this is the perfect situation. I haven’t decided where I want to go yet as there are so many options of places to go to and see so I am going to start doing my research.

I look forward to being in sea water so clear it is surreal with mountains and islands in the back drop.

I look forward to immersing myself and learning about new people and new culture and over all just enjoying to exploration of it all. Here is to you 30! Let the preparations begin!

I don’t think we ever stop learning or growing in life and the reason I write about this is because it is therapeutic. I am working on rediscovering myself in this new life and home of mine in AMS because when I moved here I no longer was focused on “me” because I had become a “we”.

I just read the following words in Vogue by Charlize Theron and I agree and look forward to being in this place again too “It’s been nice to rediscover myself,” Theron says. “I had to make a real conscious effort to do it—it’s hard. It’s much easier to lose yourself in flowers and cigarettes and coffee with somebody else.”

I have recently made some big changes in my life in order to find my “happiness” or really what in life makes me happy and content. Or perhaps I should say I  am trying to learn how to be OK with being “content” because I am constantly in a state of mind where I am thinking about what is next. To be fair since moving to Amsterdam I have become much better with living in the moment. For example, a year ago if I was traveling somewhere and while I was on that trip I would already be thinking about my next adventure..these days I am able to step back and smell the roses a little more…so progress but I still have a ways to go.

I live a great life, I know this. Living and working in Europe in an international environment has ALWAYS been a dream of mine. I am surrounded by people I adore and people who love me for me. I love living in AMS and I really enjoy my new job, I am on the road to where I want to go. Actually I am not on the road to where I want to go, I am exactly where I want to be! But for some reason in my mind I have the thought “is this it?”. I don’t want to be one of those people who is an “if only” person. If only I had that job, that type of man, those friends, that bank account, her life then I will be happy, then I will be content. I mean what a waste of time and energy, a never ending battle internally but this is also difficult for those who love me as you can imagine. But in my mind there is always more to see, do, discover. I am restless…how did I become this way? No one in my family is this way.

I think a lot of this mentality stems from what resulted in a life changing choice for me. When I decided to move from being a pharma sales rep in Chicago to an English teacher in Italy. I gave myself an out. Or let me explain that better, I opened my mind up to the thought that the world is my oyster and I should never have to settle for status quo or the mundane when there is so much out there! This thought process has been a blessing and a curse.

I really admire those people who live in the moment and appreciate each day for what it is, another beautiful day on this earth. My Aunt Sylvia is one of these people. When I was living with her in NYC and I was stressed or had a problem she was always able to put it in perspective for me so simply. We have our health, our family has their health, we are surrounded by love and we love…what else could we want? There is nothing else. I love this motto of hers and I think she learned it fully by losing her loved one. I don’t want this to happen to me before I wake up and smell the roses.

I was discussing this contentment and happiness issue of mine with my bff, J, today and I told her I needed a book to help me learn how to find my happiness and if she knew of any? (No, I don’t think something as simple as reading a book will change these characteristics that have taken years to develop but I think it will help me along my path and perhaps enlighten me. As working on changing this perspective of mine will be actual work as breaking all habits are but no time like the present because I am open to it.) So anyways…back to my conversation with Jeanelle. She actually did know a book she thought might help me and told me to Amazon it right away. And after reading the intro to “The Happiness Project” and being able to identify with almost every word I clicked the “check out” button and am waiting patiently to get that book in my hands.

I am excited about this next stage in my life but I am also embracing the current one I am in. Life is full of ups and downs and challenges and I don’t think I really understood this until last year ( I have always been a late bloomer, this is very much a part of who I am) But I look forward to the day I am this girl again with the twinkle in my eye, jumping for joy only a little wiser this next time around

After about a 20 minute cab ride from the American Hotel we arrived to the restaurant which is in an old warehouse in what seems to be a pretty industrial area, but it was dark out so I couldn’t see. Arriving there felt very Meatpacking before the Meatpacking in NYC became tourist central.

When walking in your eyes are drawn the cars on display in the back and then immediately after to this amazing, massive chandelier in the middle of the huge restaurant…it is a complete work of art and fits the space perfectly. It is situated right over the cool ass brick and wooden bar.

To your right is the open kitchen where you can see the chefs working away and tens of chickens (house specialty) roasting in a huge rotisserie. Also they smoke the fish themselves in a smoker out back. Cool.

We were greeted at the bar with Prosecco and delicious charcuterie plates. Another reason I knew this place was going to be good was the fact that we were there on a Tuesday night around 8:30 and every seat in the house was packed in a place that has to seat well over 100 people.

I had the lobster for a starter and the whole roasted chicken for my main and it was outstanding. A week later my mouth still starts watering just thinking about the chicken. The meal was full of lively conversation and tasty wine, I think my wine glass was never empty, just the way I like it… I ended my meal with a luscious pear tart topped with ice cream and like the rest of the meal it was fantastic.

Since this was a work dinner I didn’t take any photos but next time I will as I am 100% sure I am going to try and get back there again as soon as possible.

This weekend has been a nice relaxing one filled with the just right amount of things to do. Friday night I hit up a fashion cocktail party with a sweet co-worker. This is probably my 2nd or 3rd time I have hung out with the fashionable Dutch crowd and it was a cool experience with my main take away being that I need to learn Dutch.

Then Saturday I headed to my weekly body combat class although lately it has been like my monthly class as I haven’t been in a while but that changed this weekend. Every bone/muscle in my body is sore today and I must admit I love this feeling. After class my friend Jana and I relaxed in the gym’s sauna and then headed out for drinks…as everyone should do after they have just worked out. But not before we picked up her cute little pup, Jip.

We headed for drinks in my new favorite area, Oud Zuid, right outside Vondel Park. It was a great afternoon increased by the fact that the cute little Jip sat on my lap the whole time keeping me and himself warm while we sat outside for drinks. I used to think this area was too quiet now I think it is completely serene and lovely, like a different world after living in the RLD for a year.